caught in the middle

have you ever had the feeling that you know right from wrong, but you wanted to so badly do the wrong? i guess at one time or another each of us has been through that phase of life... our moral values teaches us the right from the wrong, and yet, the inner us, wanted the wrong instead of the right...

just recently, there has been news about VSS in the office... most of us, the local staff are all affected... the office will be shifted to beijing, and since i know this from quite long ago, i cannot say that i did not see this coming... i guess i was already mentally prepared, and i take this news quite well... but at the same time i have my commitments and i need to pay bills... i am torn between my needs and my wants... i wanted so badly to take a break, i keep telling everyone that if i loose my job, i can finally take the well deserved break... but on the other hand, i needed the job to keep going... who's going to pay my bills? who's going to pay the housing loan? the car loan? man, i owe the bank over half a million, and if i loose my job, how on earth am i going to settle the debts?

i am trying to stay focus in all this mess, but i think i am loosing it... as i speak more with my colleagues, and as i think more and more about it, i may not be so focus afterall... again, i have the comfort that God will provide for all my needs... what about my wants? i guess i should not be greedy... i should be happy if my needs are provided for...

just aim to do the right, and let go of the wrongs... things will be better soon, there will be light at the end of the tunnel... when you are this low in the pit, things can only get better... focus on the right, and let go of the wrong... focus... focus... stay focus... caught in the middle still...

watermelon watermelon

after dinner, me and hubby had watermelon for dessert...

it has been sometime since i consumed watermelon in this manner... cut into halves, and the dig into it with a spoon... eating the melon this way brings back sweet memories from the past... me and hubby were still dating, and we were staying in mersing, for the army camp project... we used to eat watermelons this way... and it was fun i supposed... sometimes we would only eat watermelon for dinner... those were the days when we were still young, some 8 years ago...

as we grew, we stop doing stupid stuff... like driving to nowhere... like playing games on tv til morning... stupid stuff that we enjoyed doing... we became obsessed with work, with earning, with providing, with many other stuff and we forgot what we like, we forgot what made us laugh...

i must say that i miss those days, those days that we didn't have money to buy expensive stuff (not that we had a lot now)... those days we would be calculating our salaries, and we would try to budget out everything... but those days, we're more carefree... more relax, not chasing after some false comfort... those were the days, that we argued about stupid stuff and made up soon after... those were the days...

the kid in me

just the other day in delhi, the supplier gave us all a souvenir... i got this nice looking ladies watch, by Titan... the watch is classy and all... but it's not my type...

on thursday, hubby and i went to starhill and pavillion... we were passing by some shops selling some hairclips, they are gorgeous... and not to mention expensive too... hubby asked, wanna buy? i said, too lady like for me... the promoter just stared at me in disgust...

i guess i am just not that kind of girl... when i see a nice LV or Prada, i just see... well, maybe because i cannot afford it, so i don't seemed interested, but then again, it's just not my type... i would rather wear a swatch over some branded time pieces like cartier... i'd choose reebok over some expensive shoes like LV... i'd choose to play my psp over reading some fashion magazines...

i supposed i am still a kid afterall... and when will i grow up?

can't wait to go home

today will be my final day in india, after about 10 days... can't wait to go home... and like usual, on the last day of missions like this, there is no more mood whatsoever to work... my heart has already flown home...

my mission in delhi is almost completed, one more final document to review, and i am done...

i was having breakfast at the hotel this morning, and i realised that some of the people working there are very good looking... one guy in particular, jacob, he looks like a malaysian chinese, but pathma told that he is most probably from himachal... the northern part of india, where it's cold and nice... and people are all good looking... we used to have a project in study phase in himachal, thierry was the project manager, but i guess the project was shelved due to the economy conditions... well, hope that projects somehow move and kick off, so that i can at least have a chance to visit that place and see for myself, if all the people are really good looking...

this guy named zack...

on my way from kolkata to delhi on sunday, i met this guy name zack fair on the flight... he is a soldier... and, he is so so so good looking... almost unreal... flawless, and his features... out of this world... i think i am in love... how can anyone be so perfect? he has this cheerful attitude, but sometimes a little over-confident... his eyes, dazzling, his smile, oh, what's the word? captivating... his hair, soft... i told you, he was unreal...

well, he is unreal indeed, zack, is a character in this new game i started to play, the game is not new, but i am new at playing it... final fantasy, crisis core... like all other heros in the final fantasy series, he is gorgeous... well, it would look like the game is similar to all other FF games... similarly additive... i don't understand myself, these games are basically fighting monsters and they are so similar, and yet, game after game, i am addicted to it... i spent so many hours playing the game last nite, and now i am so sleepy...

can't wait to go back to the hotel and play this game again... my new found love zack fair...

jamshedpur...

among all the places that i have been in india, i must say that this is one of the best towns i am in... this place has nothing... i am happy...

today was a bad day... started off bad, and it didn't get any better from there... the car came late, and then they messed up the schedule, i wasted more than 4 hrs working on it... the guy who was supposed to come see me and discuss the schedule was late, and made stupid comments, i got angry, i raised my voice... then i felt bad and apologised... and then after correcting the schedule, i emailed it along with some not so nice words... felt bad about it... and then sms a fellow colleague to warn him about it, but his response was "please do not sms me again"... not exactly the kind of sms that i would appreciate after working like an idiot for many hours, rectifying some silly mistakes they made...

i guess i was just being silly, no one takes what i did seriously, they all think that it's all paper work... the schedule is not something people like to see, not something people like to do, and why would they bother to do a good job, why do i bother to put in extra hours in it? i am working on a non-working day, trying hard to please everyone because i know they need to make the report, so that their bosses don't breathe down their neck, but who am i kidding? no one appreciates what i did, so why bother? so i packed up, left the plant and here i am back at the hotel, doing nothing... except updating this silly blog...

i don't know why, i don't know how i landed myself in this big mess... why am i always making wrong choices? i guess i am not that bright... i am just the silly ol' me... from now on, it's no more unofficial hours... i work from 8-5, and that's it... others can wait... i have a life too, and i am not married to my job, i officially file a divorce with my job, only 39 hours a week, no more no less...

who am i kidding? how do i do that? all it takes is for one small plea from anyone to ask me to help, it's urgent, and i'll be selling my soul again... why am i like that?

kolkata the next day

Currently sitting in the “top deck” restaurant in Kolkata’s airport, the restaurant is not bad… just ate a chicken burger, not that nice…

So the adventure of chasing a train was fun… but I was exhausted after that… can’t wake up this morning, I was supposed to leave the plant at 7:30, I woke up at 7:25… talking about express getting ready…

By the time I got out of the room, the driver has already returned with a fellow colleague with my e-ticket for the flight… I really feel bad that these people have to stay up in the night just because I missed my train… and they have to wake up so early to go to the office to print out my ticket… I guess I appreciate what they have done…

I slept most of the time on the way to Raipur’s airport… at the times when I was awake, I thought to myself, I could learn to like this place… the people aren’t that bad… only a few people have funny working attitudes, but in general, the people aren’t that bad at all…

The day before, I was chatting with a fellow colleague, and he asked if the other project manager is easy to work with… and I went “well, he is nice for an Indian…” and then I realized that I was talking to an Indian and my remarks were too racist… I guess I was always racist, and it’s bad, I should change… and he said “so you mean I am not nice?” searching for words quickly in my mind, I said, “no, his working style is a little different from the general Indian…” And again, I am being too racist here… and he said “oh, so he is different from me?” I looked at him and he said “I am jealous”… immediately I laughed…

Just last week, a fellow colleague from Indonesia told me the same line “I am jealous” but of course in a different context altogether… this colleague from Indonesia was jealous because I am too defensive of my colleague in India, and now the same guy is jealous because of some statement I made…

Men, in general are too hard to please… again, I am stereotyping the gender, but I can’t help it… men are hard to please, they only want to hear all the nice things about them, and they don’t want to hear if you said something that they don’t agree with…

So, they said that we the “weaker” gender does nothing but gossip… and we often talk about a 3rd party… I think that is being unfair… do we really only gossip and does nothing else? I don’t think it’s true, I sometimes engage myself in serious discussion about stuff, and I try to reflect on things and try to make myself a better person… I am sure all my sisters out there would agree with me, sometimes we too talk about politics, we talk about work, we talk about education, religion, music and many other things… and I don’t see all that as gossiping…

As I am typing, I am reflecting, on what to write, on what to say… I have a lot on my mind, but sentences are not forming… I guess I am still going through the depression stage; my mood swings are more evident than before… I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I don’t have any directions, and I don’t have motivations… maybe I am just tired… if I have unlimited supply of resources, I would stop working, and indulge myself in things that makes me smile… like keeping a dozen dogs, run a farm, listen to all my favourite songs without interference, drink coffee, play the guitar, spend some more time online to chat with people… or is this the withdrawal syndrome? I have not been spending so much time online lately… I missed chatting with tom, jaxe, don, benex and many others, people whom I never met, but are so sweet and nice… and most of all, I missed all the games I left behind, my character must have been so deserted and attacked a million times over, those character that I used to hit on, would have gained enough power to send my character to the bottom of the pits…

I was supposed to do some work, but I am lazy, too lazy to do things… I guess I better stop writing right now, otherwise, no one would bother to read…

i missed the train...

"are the the trains usually on time?" i asked a fellow colleague, "the trains are usually 30 mins late"...

so i left the plant at around 10 p.m., and the journey to the train station was approx. 1hr... so i arrived at the station at around 11 p.m. my train was schedule for 11:55 p.m. so i sat and wait for the train...they have told the driver to wait assist me to get on the train, so the driver waited with me... the train station was quiet, only a few souls waiting to hop on the train... as i sat there, i was being feasted on by a huge bunch of mosquitoes... the station was quiet, besides the music from my new mobile, xpressmusic 5800, occasionally some trains will pass, other than that, only 2 young men, chattering about who knows what... i started counting how many wagons each train has, some has 60 or so, and one locomotive that passed actually pulled some 20ft containers, and there were 90 of them, imagine how long that train is...

i was tired, and hot, and sweaty and also itchy too, thanks to the quitoes... sure enough the train was not on time, it came 1 day late... well, actually only 45 minutes late... so the driver told me to get ready... which i did, and then, we were trying to locate the coach i am supposed to get on... man, the coach was right behind, so he started to run, and i started to run... and then the train started to move, and we panic... as i was running, i pass by those so called sleeper class, and man, they are like sardines... really like those pictures i saw on the internet... it's scary... anyway, we ran and ran, and i never felt this tired before, not even after climbing 23 storeys those days back in kk... this is madness, at one point, i thot i would faint... those trains are long... when i finally saw my coach, they wouldn't let me get on, i wouldn't want to get on either, the train is moving, and to hop on like that could be disasterous (however you spell that word)...

so we drove back to the plant... and i was laughing about the whole incident... in fact, i am still laughing at it right now... i realised that i have changed... if it were to happen a few weeks before, i would be cursing, i hate change of plans... i would loose one day, it would mean that i may not be able to finish my work in jojobera on time... which may lead to extension of stays... but today, somehow, i can laugh about the whole thing... i guess, whatever happened in the pass 3-4 weeks has made and impact to my life... the fact that a loved one shatters my heart, a friend deciding that he doesn't want to be friends anymore, and the passing of a relative... all happening at the same time... i must say i was pretty much depressed, but i thank god for friends, for sisters who listened to me... who encourages me... i guess all those things that happened taught me a lesson in life... that life is always unpredictable... why must i be such a particular person? why must i be so demanding? what good does it make to anyone if i annoy them? i started to loose focus on my work, i started to talk to old friends... those emails from ernest certainly brought back some sweet memories, and the msn chats with andrew, oh they were hilarious, and max, how can i thank you more for always being there for me... i guess i regain the playful me... the one that is more carefree... the one who don't worry about what happens tomorrow... i start to tease people around me, make them feel good about themselves, flirt... this is me, this was the original me, i was like that, what made me change? circumstances? kiasu-ism?

i don't know if reverting to my old self is a good sign or not, but i think i am enjoying it more... i find being the old me more fun, less responsible, less accountable, less stress... i think i am going to dig a hole to bury the me trying so hard to be mature, to think right, to please people, to gain acceptance... i will let the old me, the child in me to live and take control... i think this way, my life would be easier...

on the way to india...

Sitting in the plane on the way to India… oh I don’t understand why I dislike to go to this place so much…

Watched Marley & Me just now, it’s a really good show, watch it if you have a chance, I know I’d watch it again… I don’t know if I liked the dog better or Owen Wilson better… there is something about Owen Wilson… I mean he is not the best looking actor around, but there is something about him… He is so cute… and sweet, or was it the character that he plays?

Anyway, when he got Marley, and the 1st nite they spent together, it sort of takes me back to the 1st nite I had Tiger… Tiger was crying the whole nite, poor thing, he must’ve missed his mummy, and he won’t let me sleep either… he will nibble on my finger, try to find his way up to my bed, nibble my ears… sleep on my hair… oh, those sleepless nites… but I would not trade it for anything in the world… I remembered the 1st time I laid my eyes on him… those sad puppy’s eyes… scared and all… only a few weeks old I supposed… I was in my room like usual, and Ian knocked on my door, and said, can you please come down? Uncle Andrew is looking for you… I was like? Why would Andrew look for me… I went down anyway, and Andrew told me that his friend just gave him a puppy, and the center cannot take care of that little guy because he is still too young, and the big boys in the center just don’t have the means to take care of a little pup… I hesitated… but those eyes… I cannot help but take him into my arms… and Andrew just ran away… he said, just try to take care of it, once he gets bigger and more independent, you can always give it back… I wasn’t prepared to take another pup… I was still so heartbroken from the lost of Coffee…

Coffee died earlier that year, 1st Jan 2008… I remember that dreadful day, I cried and cried and cried, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back… I hated myself for not staying up with him in the nite, I had to go to sleep… in the morning, when my mom knocked at the door, I knew in advance what the news was all about… oh my darling Coffee, you will forever be missed… even as I am typing this, I missed you, and I really hope to see you again… but I don’t know, do dogs really go to heaven? I really wanted to believe that because I really want to hold you again… there are so many things I wanted to do with you… like going to the beach again… remembered when you were younger, and we were still in Mersing, took you to the beach, and you had so much fun running about… and drinking all those salty sea water, and what happened to you after that? You fell sick… and that time where you almost died, when that truck couldn’t brake on time? You were one lucky dog weren’t you? I don’t know how you survived that… but I am happy that you did…

I had many dogs in my life, each special in their own way… each having a special place in my heart, each left me crying over and over… even until today, the thoughts of all of you make me happy and sad all at the same time… the 1st dog I had was brought home by my father, I was 6 back then… one smart puppy, he died when I was 11… I cried and cried and cried… and then I never wanted to bond with another dog, I was afraid that I would be heartbroken again… and then when I was 16, I had Lady… the most beautiful and elegant dog I ever had… she had class… and if you think all bitches are the same, think again… she won’t just let any dog do her… she’s got taste and I remembered that huge black Doberman who used to come during the mating season… oh, Lady would tease him like anything… and he would be so restless… Lady died a heartbroken dog… oh, I would never forgive that woman who did that to her… and then after that I had Coffee… Coffee was the 1st dog I had after I met my husband, Coffee will always have that special place in my heart… and of course, not forgetting Ginger, the most loyal, tough, fierce, and gentle all put together… I gave Ginger to a neighbour, I had no choice, he kept fighting with Coffee, but Ginger came back… after the neigbour shifted away, he came back… from where I don’t know… but he came back to me… he must’ve travelled some distance… I am so sorry what I put you through… and those other dogs I had when I was in Mersing, those were madness… muffin, coco, candy… ahhh… those were the happy days…

Now I only have Tiger, and Tiger is my baby… he has grown so much, but he always forgets that he is too big for my lap… he will still climb on my lap, he must have missed those days where he was only palm sized… and I would spend hours playing with him… I missed those days too… how he would bite my hands… leaving long scars… but Tiger dear Tiger, you will always be my baby… and if I have a child in the future, you will be the big brother… I hope you will not leave me too soon, I really want to have you for many many more years to come… I don’t know if my heart can take anymore heartaches…

india

as much as i dreaded it, i cannot escape from it... my fears, my weaknesses, are all going to be tested all at the same time...

i am going to india again tomorrow evening, this time for another 10 days or so... to my relieve i am not staying at only one place, i need to move from place to place, and i hope that time will be easier to past and i don't have to spend time dwelling on the unthinkable...

tomorrow is easter, the day where the Lord conquered the grave that we might have life... it's a day of joy, a day where the devil is defeated, a day where victory is on our side... because of this day, 2000 years ago, victory is always on our side... the devil is always whispering to our ears, to defeat us, and most of the times, our weak body gives in to the devil, because it is so much easier to fall prey, than to fight back... but God is faithful, He cares, He reminds me that He has not forsaken me, and that whatever trouble I am facing right now, He knows, and He is allowing it to happen to mould me, to make me stronger, to make me wiser... but i really have no more energy to fight, no more energy to go on... i feel so defeated, so hopeless, so weak... and i am reminded that i do not need to have energy, for i should walk by faith, not by sight, for the Lord God is on my side, who can be against me? the Father has promised that no weapons formed against me shall prosper, so why should i feel the way i am feeling? why should i worry for tomorrow?

life is fragile

i am often reminded of this statement by a friend... he is haunted by the loosing of a dear friend... i finally understood what that statement meant...

life is indeed short and fragile, you will never know when someone you love will decide to leave you...

to a brother, a friend, you will be deeply missed... i am so sorry i did not go to the wake, i do not know how to react... often we said, for someone so sick, it's for the better that you don't have to suffer anymore, but how many people actually know, how deeply saddened we will be? and to learn that you went alone is unbearable... no one to be by your side at the last moments? how much more depressing can it be? for 15 years you suffered, for 15 years you fought, maybe it's time that you rest, rest in peace my brother...