Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Day 46

Machi, you have left me alone for 46 days, Teng kept dreaming about you, but I didn't. I want to dream of you too, I want to see you and talk to you. I really miss you. Did you know that today the money from the incentive is inside the bank. If you were here, I would be happy, and you will be too. But there is no money in the world which can bring you back. So what use is it? All I can think of is wanting to have you back.

I think I am going to be sick missing you...

Friday, November 10, 2017

Day 41

Today I got my letter for the project completion bonus. I told you about this on October, when you were sleeping in your coffin in Teng's house. Initially they said will get on October 31st, but then now only they gave us the letter. I got quite a big fat bonus, and I think I got a lot more than others from my department. If you are here you will be so happy and you will say "Is it? So good, thanks to God" and then you might ask how much I wanna give you. Well, I think I will give you 1k. And then if I get year end bonus, I will surely give you another 1k for you to pack angpow. You will then during CNY go and tell all of your siblings that you "guo fei nian". Ever since I started working here, every year you also say you "guo fei nian".

I am happy for the bonus but at the same time, I don't really feel happy because I cannot share it with you. I told Boon, Ariel, Teng and Ian that once Ariel comes home, I will treat them eat good liau, I really wish you can come with us, it is going to be painful without you. I am still not sure if I can do it yet. The other day, we went for breakfast with Ah Chen and Siow Di, I also feel very uncomfortable, because we always gather together with you. I will not feel the same when meeting up with them, but I will continue to keep in touch with them because I know you will want it.

Sometimes I feel angry, sometimes I feel sad, most of the times I don't know what to feel. Machi, why is it so hard? I never had to do anything so hard in my whole life, why is this so hard?

Tuesday, November 07, 2017

Day 38

They say things get easier with time, it doesn't.

Today I woke up and the first thing I felt was the pain in my heart and the emptiness inside. I didn't want to wake up not because I was feeling lazy, but because I don't want to face another day knowing that you are not here. I keep myself busy all the time, but every time I stop, I feel it, the pain and the emptiness. I felt like I lost my way, I don't know what to do and I am so alone. I have never worried about being alone because I know that I am never really alone, but now I am all alone.

I know we don't talk that much, most of our conversations usually sound like this:

Telephone Calls:

me: hello
you: hello, 大B, what do you want?
me: nothing la, have you eaten?
you: eat already
me: eat what?
you: ah teng take me go eat ...
me: like that can la, later weekend go fetch you eat breakfast
you: ok 
me: ok la bye bye
you: bye bye you have to be careful ok

When you were staying in my house and when I come home from work:

me: machi, I am home
you: today so early/late
me: today traffic clear/jam. Today want to go eat what?
you: chin chai la
me: like that we go eat ... 
you: now want to go out?
me: up to you la, if you want to see show, then your show finish 1st also can
you: want to go can go la, the show tomorrow also still repeat

We don't talk much other than about food or holidays. We make plans about where to eat when Ariel comes back or someone's birthday. I sometimes tell you a bit about the stress I have in the office, but not often since I didn't want you to worry. Last time you always wanted us to have a career so that we can be independent. But recent years, you have seen that I am struggling with my work, and you have encourage me to leave my job and do things that I like. You have never liked the idea of us going abroad, but this year when I tell you that I wanted to move to NZ, you said, if you want to go, you should go. 

My plans always have you in it. I have planned to buy a piece of land and build some tiny houses, and I thought I have to stay in a single storey house soon since you were getting old and soon you won't be able to climb the stairs. So I planned to buy a piece of land, and build self-contained tiny houses for us, no need to be big just need to be comfortable. And then when I wanted to move to NZ, the plan has you in it too. I never once imagined my life without you, not once. I have never told you all these because I always thought it was silly to have these dreams, I am not young anymore, I cannot afford the things I dream about.

Every time I want to go for a vacation, I will tell you about it, because like you, I am excited and I need to tell someone. I have signed up for a Vietnam trip next month, and I want to tell you that. I told you about my China trip for next year and I asked you if you wanted to follow. You laughed because you knew you are unable to go anymore. I told you that I will take you to Taiwan again, to complete the tour of the whole island, but I didn't keep that promise. I was suppose to take you in March, but that time there was a sale for NZ tickets, and then I wanted to take you to visit Ariel, but you didn't want to go. I shouldn't have gone too, I should've stick to my plans of taking you to Taiwan. You said it is OK, but I know you are disappointed. You told your sisters that I wanted to take you again, you were happy when I said I wanted to take you. But then I lied. 

Thursday, November 02, 2017

Day 33

I want to see your face again. I really do. It feels like nothing really matters, and it start to feel like there is no use to do anything anymore. Even though at first I thought I will do things to keep your memories alive, but yeah, that is what it is, memories... I still cannot get use to not having you. I don't think I ever will get use to it. 

Work is busy as ever, I am down as ever. I have no mood to do anything, I don't even have the interest to look around for holidays, no interest in life at all. The house I go back to is no longer home. So many things has changed, first Magui left, and then Ah Chi died, after that Ah Moo died, now I go upstairs, I look at the empty floor, and then I look at your room door. I open the door almost everyday, hoping to see you there, waiting for me to change your stoma bag. I somehow think that the more I open the door, you will magically appear.

How come Teng get to dream of you? How come you don't visit me in my dreams? Is it because you are angry with me? Is it because I told you not to come home if you cannot go to the toilet on your own? I didn't mean those things, I just thought I can encourage you to try harder since you would want to come back to Klang so that Siong will bring Wesley and Bradley to visit you. I didn't mean anything about not letting you come home at all. 

我不孝顺, 我不是一个好女儿,我让你担心得太多了,对不起.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Day 31

Today I am not sad, I missed you but I was not as sad as yesterday. Desmond said it will be in phases, sometimes sad, sometimes not so sad. I still think of you the moment I opened by eyes, I know I won't get to see you, but maybe because of something Teng posted yesterday. She said she hasn't seen you for one month, but it also meant that it is already one month lesser until she see you again. Perhaps, today I felts that as time flies, the time between now and when I see you again is nearer.

The other day I told you that we will be getting a bonus for project completion, but nothing. Get cheated. I have put aside your monthly allowance, what do you want to do with it? Tell me ok, otherwise, I will help you to give Ariel, Wesley, Ian and Bradley angpow for their birthdays and christmas and chinese new year. The rest I will keep until when they need money to go to study in the future. I remember I said if Siong will not send Wesley to pursue his dreams, I will send. I will try my best to keep that promise. If you have other things you want me to do, tell me. I will be waiting and listening to your voice. Teng dreams of you many times, but I never get to dream of you. Come and visit me sometime, so that I can see you too and hold your hands again, even if it is a dream, it would suffice my longing to see you.

31 days is very long for not talking to you or to see you. When I was in Sabah, I come back every semester, but I will call you whenever I can, at least once a week. When I worked in Mersing, Yong Peng, Pontian, Taiping I don't come back that often but I still call you at least once a week. I have not stop talking to you, and I will not stop. Keeping this blog is a good idea to help me deal with missing you, I somehow feel that if it is written down, you will see it. You never knew how to read English, but I think you understood every word that is written here, I am sure Jesus will explain to you. I am sure you are happy now, with Jesus by your side, you don't need tongkat Hern to help you move around anymore. Don't forget me, please. Please remember to wait for me. I want to see you again and call you Machi. Are you still bickering with Lodao? Tell him I am sorry and that I love him too. I love you Ma!