Day 114

Ma, it has been 2 weeks since I last written here for you. I am trying to live my life as usual, but I don't think it is possible. My life has changed, my perspectives changed too.

I will be going to Singapore on Friday, I told you about it, you were supposed to be staying over with Teng this weekend because I am going away and will be back only on Monday. Actually, I am not looking forward to this trip anymore. I feel so stressed out thinking about this trip.

After coming back from Singapore, we are going to Avani again. Not sure if the Tan brothers are coming, but Boon, Teng and me are going, for two nights. If you are here, you will be so excited and looking forward to this trip. We may go back to the place of the Chicken to eat. Last trip we didn't manage to eat the pig's hand, and we said we will go and eat again, but we never had the chance already. But it's ok, this time if we go, I will help you eat.

Did you see the 3 puppies near your grave? I named them, Peter Pan, Patch and Tramp, but Patch is missing already, I wonder if he made it, or maybe he went to puppy heaven...

I resigned, and my boss didn't want to sign the letter for HR to process, now they are trying to convince me to stay back, but I have made up my mind, I do not want to stay back. There is nothing for me here, and I don't think there is anything for me anywhere. I just want the days to pass quickly so that I can see you again soon. I am still hoping for a miracle, maybe waking up one day and realise that this is actually one bad dream. Will that day ever come?

Yesterday we went to Empire Subang for dinner, we bought the vouchers at 11Street and then we went there to eat. I remember one of the years, Teng treat us all to eat there, and you wanted the bubur cha cha or something and it was too sweet, so you only ate one spoonful. And then there was the time where you took the fruits back, do you remember?

Ma, be happy in heaven, and don't worry about me, I'll be ok, I'll be strong for you. Just remember to wait for me, and please don't forget me. See you soon!

Day 100

3 digits already ma. Today is the 100th day I lost you. Today, I was on Google Maps re-visiting the places in Taiwan. You were so happy, both the trips, even though the 2nd trip was too hot for you, but you were happy. I'd like to think that I made you happy. You always wanted to go back, I promised you another trip, but I broke the promise.

Ma, 100 days is a long and difficult time. How many more 100 days do I need to walk alone? There are so many things I want to show you, so many places I wanted to take you. Everytime I eat something nice, I always wanted to bring you, but now, I cannot. I can only talk to you here, hoping that you have learnt how to check on the internet and read.

Yesterday, Boon, Teng and the Tan Brothers went to see you together with me. We went to eat bakuteh near Klang Parade. Chen paid... he went to Taiwan last few weeks, and he came back with pikachu toy for me. We are going to Avani again. Remember when we came back in July, I told I want to take you there with Wesley and Bradley? Sorry it didn't happen. The boys were all too busy, and I was procrastinating to arrange because I was lazy to deal with Siong on the arrangements. But the original proposed date was one of the weekend in September, you were already sick that time. I wish I can turn back time, then I can tell you I love you. I never told you that before.

I would like to turn back time and make good on all the promises I made. I will not raise my voice at you when I am upset with other things, I will not let you see me cry.

Day 94

94 days have passed since you are gone. I miss you more than ever. With Christmas and New Year just over, I have not felt any festivities. Usually we will have lots of gathering and food, but this year nothing. Even Fei didn't organise any potluck.

We went to your side on Dec 23rd, we had pizza and Seow Di bought musang king. Were you there with us? I think you are, and we will go again for CNY reunion. Maybe I will but yee sang from sushi king. And then see what else to buy and go eat there. We will start a new tradition, ok? I know I am silly, but that is the only way I know how to be close to you.

I fell sick yesterday and I am still sick today. Tomorrow, I will go to do implants for my teeth. I mentioned to you before but I was afraid, I still am, but I'll take the risk. I tendered my resignation last Thursday, my boss not yet sign but I am determined to leave. I don't know what will happen after this, but I think it is not important anymore. What is important to me, is to make sure I walk each day knowing I will see you again soon.

Day 79

Ma, I came back from Vietnam already, worst trip ever... 1st of all, the hotels lose our luggage, then we have to squeeze in a van for 6 hours to go to the mountains, terrible, now I whole body still pain.

But you must have seen that and surely you will laugh at us... lucky you were not there, otherwise sure you cannot tahan. I bought some lotus seed for you, I will help you eat... hehehe...

Ariel going back to NZ on the 28th, you would have said, in 10 days, Ariel will fly back. You are so worried about her all the time, but she is all grown up now, no need to worry. Michael will go with her this time for almost 3 months...

I want to go away and hide, maybe just catch up on my sleep. I am tired really really tired... maybe I can go to see you? Please, can I go? I have nothing to look forward to, holidays are no more fun, nothing is worth looking forward to. I just want to see you again.

Day 67

Ma, this few weeks I am very busy, so far I have went to Singapore twice for meetings, and on the 2nd time I bought the salted egg fish skin and potato chips, it is very expensive. Credit card bill arrive today, 4 packets cost me RM 180.

I not yet tell you, on Sunday, Ian messaged your phone and said that they have arrived in JB and had lunch with Tua Ku. I also replied on your behalf and then he laughed. Did you know that Ah Hoong organised a celebration for Tua Ku's baptism, without Tua Ku... She very lebih. If you are here, sure you will laugh.

On Sunday, I will go to Vietnam for holidays with Ah Teng, Ian and put liau. You won't ask but I will always try to buy things for you whenever I go to holidays, and I wonder what I will buy for you this time.

A few weeks ago, I used my Astro points to redeem a "ang ku kueh" pillow, it's quite cute, I want to give to you, so now it's there on your chair.

I ordered some mugs for the kids and the Tan brothers online. The kids' mug already arrived, I bought it last month, so yesterday I told Teng, and she suggested that I buy for the Tan brothers as well, so I went and order yesterday night. I so stupid, didn't check properly then placed the order, see see one of the mugs I deleted on picture, so become defect. Luckily when I buy the vouchers, it was for 4 mugs, so now Seow Di get 2, since it was his which were defected. Wasted, but never mind, cheap cheap only.

The other day after my graduation I treat Teng and the Tan brothers to dinner. Ah Yeh really bodoh, when I asked them time, he never want to answer, then suddenly 2 days before the dinner, he messaged me and say "Saturday, I boleh go?". Last Sunday, Boon took Ariel to your place, Ah Yeh also got go, now he like happier and got talk and laugh, unlike last time, ask 10 times answer 1 time.

Before Christmas, we are planning a graveyard party... I wonder who will turn up... I'll post some photos here, remember to join us on that day ok? It will be December 23rd, at around 6 p.m.

I wonder what it's like where you are. I want to see you soon, and I think I will see you soon too... Til then, "mai luan luan chau"... bye bye

Day 58

Ma, what are you doing? Maybe you are having tea with Ah Ma and Lodao. I have been working very hard, but often I wondered "what for?". End of this year, I will quit my job, I am tired. I will take a break. I know I told you about this before, and you said, not happy then don't work. But I continue to work anyway, because I was afraid that I cannot make ends meet... and I want to live a luxury life, I want you to have a good life, but that's not important anymore. You have the best life now, at Jesus' side, what else could you ask for? I am just being selfish as I want more of you.

Last Saturday was my graduation, did you see? I was hoping that you can go, but unfortunately you are not there. I am sure you saw me from Heaven, were you proud? Were you crying again? I remember when I graduated in 2000, your were crying tears of joy when I walked on the stage to take my scroll. You told me and I laughed at you. I am sure you were crying on Saturday too. I went to your grave to take photo, I know I am being silly, but going there help me to feel close to you. I know what is left there is only a decaying body, and you are having a party in Heaven, but being there makes me feel closer to you.

Guess what I bought you for Christmas this year? I named a binary star in lodao and your name. I hope you like it. I cannot buy you anything else, so this is the only thing I can do for you. I still don't know how to locate the star, the software won't work. Maybe the office network blocked it, later I will try with my own connection.

Day 52

Machi, I find myself having lesser and lesser things to look forward to in life. I am always down and have no directions. I miss you but I can't do anything about it. It is still very painful.

Teng dreamt of you again, and she said you cannot find lodao and ah ma in heaven. I believe that you have found them, because Jesus will show you the way. At times, I worried, I worried that you will be lonely, but I also know that Jesus is taking care of you, so I should not worry. And then I realise, when you were around, I always ignore you as well, we never had a lot to talk about. Never talk about anything really. I hide everything from you because I knew you will worry.

Do you know that I was never a happy person, I only appear to be happy. I have so many hatred in my heart, so much anger too. I am so angry at Siong for neglecting you. I am so angry at Boon for not letting Ariel come back, I told her to bring Ariel back so that you can see her. I am so angry at Teng for complaining that she has no money but the moment you left, she goes on a spending spree and also holiday spree. I don't know if I can ever forgive them, I know you will, but I really don't know if I can.

Dear Lord, please help me! I don't know what to do and I don't want to go on living like this. I might as well not live. Please show me what to do.

This saturday is my convocation. Will you watch me from heaven? I will look out for you, please give me a sign.

Day 46

Machi, you have left me alone for 46 days, Teng kept dreaming about you, but I didn't. I want to dream of you too, I want to see you and talk to you. I really miss you. Did you know that today the money from the incentive is inside the bank. If you were here, I would be happy, and you will be too. But there is no money in the world which can bring you back. So what use is it? All I can think of is wanting to have you back.

I think I am going to be sick missing you...

Day 41

Today I got my letter for the project completion bonus. I told you about this on October, when you were sleeping in your coffin in Teng's house. Initially they said will get on October 31st, but then now only they gave us the letter. I got quite a big fat bonus, and I think I got a lot more than others from my department. If you are here you will be so happy and you will say "Is it? So good, thanks to God" and then you might ask how much I wanna give you. Well, I think I will give you 1k. And then if I get year end bonus, I will surely give you another 1k for you to pack angpow. You will then during CNY go and tell all of your siblings that you "guo fei nian". Ever since I started working here, every year you also say you "guo fei nian".

I am happy for the bonus but at the same time, I don't really feel happy because I cannot share it with you. I told Boon, Ariel, Teng and Ian that once Ariel comes home, I will treat them eat good liau, I really wish you can come with us, it is going to be painful without you. I am still not sure if I can do it yet. The other day, we went for breakfast with Ah Chen and Siow Di, I also feel very uncomfortable, because we always gather together with you. I will not feel the same when meeting up with them, but I will continue to keep in touch with them because I know you will want it.

Sometimes I feel angry, sometimes I feel sad, most of the times I don't know what to feel. Machi, why is it so hard? I never had to do anything so hard in my whole life, why is this so hard?

Day 38

They say things get easier with time, it doesn't.

Today I woke up and the first thing I felt was the pain in my heart and the emptiness inside. I didn't want to wake up not because I was feeling lazy, but because I don't want to face another day knowing that you are not here. I keep myself busy all the time, but every time I stop, I feel it, the pain and the emptiness. I felt like I lost my way, I don't know what to do and I am so alone. I have never worried about being alone because I know that I am never really alone, but now I am all alone.

I know we don't talk that much, most of our conversations usually sound like this:

Telephone Calls:

me: hello
you: hello, 大B, what do you want?
me: nothing la, have you eaten?

you: eat already

me: eat what?

you: ah teng take me go eat ...

me: like that can la, later weekend go fetch you eat breakfast

you: ok 

me: ok la bye bye

you: bye bye you have to be careful ok

When you were staying in my house and when I come home from work:

me: machi, I am home

you: today so early/late

me: today traffic clear/jam. Today want to go eat what?

you: chin chai la

me: like that we go eat ... 

you: now want to go out?

me: up to you la, if you want to see show, then your show finish 1st also can

you: want to go can go la, the show tomorrow also still repeat

We don't talk much other than about food or holidays. We make plans about where to eat when Ariel comes back or someone's birthday. I sometimes tell you a bit about the stress I have in the office, but not often since I didn't want you to worry. Last time you always wanted us to have a career so that we can be independent. But recent years, you have seen that I am struggling with my work, and you have encourage me to leave my job and do things that I like. You have never liked the idea of us going abroad, but this year when I tell you that I wanted to move to NZ, you said, if you want to go, you should go. 

My plans always have you in it. I have planned to buy a piece of land and build some tiny houses, and I thought I have to stay in a single storey house soon since you were getting old and soon you won't be able to climb the stairs. So I planned to buy a piece of land, and build self-contained tiny houses for us, no need to be big just need to be comfortable. And then when I wanted to move to NZ, the plan has you in it too. I never once imagined my life without you, not once. I have never told you all these because I always thought it was silly to have these dreams, I am not young anymore, I cannot afford the things I dream about.

Every time I want to go for a vacation, I will tell you about it, because like you, I am excited and I need to tell someone. I have signed up for a Vietnam trip next month, and I want to tell you that. I told you about my China trip for next year and I asked you if you wanted to follow. You laughed because you knew you are unable to go anymore. I told you that I will take you to Taiwan again, to complete the tour of the whole island, but I didn't keep that promise. I was suppose to take you in March, but that time there was a sale for NZ tickets, and then I wanted to take you to visit Ariel, but you didn't want to go. I shouldn't have gone too, I should've stick to my plans of taking you to Taiwan. You said it is OK, but I know you are disappointed. You told your sisters that I wanted to take you again, you were happy when I said I wanted to take you. But then I lied. 

Day 33

I want to see your face again. I really do. It feels like nothing really matters, and it start to feel like there is no use to do anything anymore. Even though at first I thought I will do things to keep your memories alive, but yeah, that is what it is, memories... I still cannot get use to not having you. I don't think I ever will get use to it. 

Work is busy as ever, I am down as ever. I have no mood to do anything, I don't even have the interest to look around for holidays, no interest in life at all. The house I go back to is no longer home. So many things has changed, first Magui left, and then Ah Chi died, after that Ah Moo died, now I go upstairs, I look at the empty floor, and then I look at your room door. I open the door almost everyday, hoping to see you there, waiting for me to change your stoma bag. I somehow think that the more I open the door, you will magically appear.

How come Teng get to dream of you? How come you don't visit me in my dreams? Is it because you are angry with me? Is it because I told you not to come home if you cannot go to the toilet on your own? I didn't mean those things, I just thought I can encourage you to try harder since you would want to come back to Klang so that Siong will bring Wesley and Bradley to visit you. I didn't mean anything about not letting you come home at all. 

我不孝顺, 我不是一个好女儿，我让你担心得太多了，对不起.

Day 31

Today I am not sad, I missed you but I was not as sad as yesterday. Desmond said it will be in phases, sometimes sad, sometimes not so sad. I still think of you the moment I opened by eyes, I know I won't get to see you, but maybe because of something Teng posted yesterday. She said she hasn't seen you for one month, but it also meant that it is already one month lesser until she see you again. Perhaps, today I felts that as time flies, the time between now and when I see you again is nearer.

The other day I told you that we will be getting a bonus for project completion, but nothing. Get cheated. I have put aside your monthly allowance, what do you want to do with it? Tell me ok, otherwise, I will help you to give Ariel, Wesley, Ian and Bradley angpow for their birthdays and christmas and chinese new year. The rest I will keep until when they need money to go to study in the future. I remember I said if Siong will not send Wesley to pursue his dreams, I will send. I will try my best to keep that promise. If you have other things you want me to do, tell me. I will be waiting and listening to your voice. Teng dreams of you many times, but I never get to dream of you. Come and visit me sometime, so that I can see you too and hold your hands again, even if it is a dream, it would suffice my longing to see you.

31 days is very long for not talking to you or to see you. When I was in Sabah, I come back every semester, but I will call you whenever I can, at least once a week. When I worked in Mersing, Yong Peng, Pontian, Taiping I don't come back that often but I still call you at least once a week. I have not stop talking to you, and I will not stop. Keeping this blog is a good idea to help me deal with missing you, I somehow feel that if it is written down, you will see it. You never knew how to read English, but I think you understood every word that is written here, I am sure Jesus will explain to you. I am sure you are happy now, with Jesus by your side, you don't need tongkat Hern to help you move around anymore. Don't forget me, please. Please remember to wait for me. I want to see you again and call you Machi. Are you still bickering with Lodao? Tell him I am sorry and that I love him too. I love you Ma! 

Day 30

30 days and I drown myself with work, and played as much game as possible, but I can't really concentrate. I still think about you constantly. I want to talk to you, I want to eat with you, and I want to be annoyed by you.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the past, trying my best to remember every moment. Do you remember the time when we were stuck at the dentist because we went to the toilet after the treatment. We were the last patients and then we went to the toilet, and they closed up and went home because they didn't know we were still there. We called a few people to find them and then they came back and opened the door for us, you were worried that time because you needed to go home to cook for us all.

I remember the time when I was so sick, high fever I think. I don't how old I was back then but I was still young, and we were still staying with Ah Ma, in the house behind high school. You gave me hor lin teh, and I drank and I said it is very nice, but actually it was very bitter but because I was sick I couldn't taste properly. The next day you gave me again, and I happily gulped it, but then that time I was already feeling better, and I tasted the bitterness.

And there was the time when I swallowed a fish bone, and you asked lodao to carry me to the clinic to have it remove. How about the time when we walked from the shop house to visit Ah Ma and I dropped into the drain? Do you remember? And the time when you told me to eat the rice and I was trying to finish all of it, but actually it is a lot, and then you said, if cannot eat don't eat, and then I said, you also never said it earlier, so I was trying to eat all of those rice. There are a lot of memories and there could be more, but now there will not be any new memories with you in it.

This photo was taken when we went to Cameron Highlands during my 3 months unpaid leave, you enjoyed yourself that time, I did too, but my car had problems, and we were supposed to detour to go to lumut so that you can buy some seafood products, but we rushed to come back to Klang because I was worried that the car will breakdown. And then we said we will go next time, but we never got to go. And there is one promise I made but I never kept and I will never be able to make it up to you, will you please forgive me? If you come back, I promise we will go, I promise...

Day 26

It has been 26 days since I last saw you. These 26 days has been very hard. I still cannot talk about you without tearing up. 妈妈, 我想你. I don't how to write these words, so I googled them.

There are a lot of things I want to tell you, but when I am typing out the words, I can't seemed to find them. The alarm just went off indicating that it is time to call you. Do you remember I will try to call you to talk to you using video call. Sometimes, I cannot hear what you say mostly because you were tired and is unable to talk loudly and clearly. But I remember not too long ago, at the end of one of the phone call, you suddenly laughed and I asked you why, you said you are happy because you saw me. I was also very happy that day.

I heard a song the other day, maybe Jesus wants me to know that you are happy in heaven. This song is written by a lady who lost her husband, the song said that when she saw his face, she knows that he is in a better place. The song also said that her husband is a man who doesn't like to leave his house but when he saw heaven and the love that is coming from heaven, how can he stay here. The song reminded me of you too, you didn't like to go away from the house too much, and you wanted to go home so badly when you were in the hospital. I thought you were not ready to leave us, and I thought you would at least wait until Ariel comes home in November. Even Boon thought so too, but perhaps on that day you were is so much pain and Jesus came to show you the love in heaven, so how could you stay? Everyone who saw you when you fell asleep in the Lord said that you looked very peaceful, Alyssa even said you are smiling, and yes I see it too, a smile.

I know I am very selfish and I wanted you for a little longer, I am sorry but it is very hard for me. I pretend that I am strong and I will be ok, but ma, I am not ok. I have kept you phone line on, and your room the way it is. I am still hoping that you would come back. At least come visit sometime. 

My Life after Mom

Today is October 19th, 2017 - 19 days after mom left.

I miss you so much. I am grieving but I am unable to express, because every time I say something, people keep telling me that you won't want to see me sad, I know all that, but I also miss you. So, I guess I will just write my thought down, as I felt that I am going crazy with all these feelings inside.

I keep doing things hoping that I can remember you for a little longer and I am so afraid that one day I will forget. I don't want to forget, I want to remember even if it means it will continue to hurt. I kept your room the way it was, I am hoping that one day you will come back.

I think I will keep this blog to write down what I feel and to tell you things that I usually tell you. We don't talk that much, we are never chit-chatty... mostly we talked about food and the family. I am sorry, I told you I will not keep in touch with the family after you are gone, I lied. I didn't mean it, I hope you know.

5 YEARS HAS GONE BY

i know not why i am here, it's been 5 years, and well, i was away doing my stuff, living my life, and still working too hard... never got around to resigning, been working is the same company for the last five years, who would have guessed, eh? i do not think anyone else ever visit this page, but well, maybe the next time i visit this place, i will think about when i wrote this blog, it could be another 5 years from now...

what happened to me?

i wonder if you notice, i have been offline for ages... and when i say offline, i meant offline... i hardly come online anymore, not blogging, not chatting, and not even gaming...

i must say that all these was a little hard for me when i decided to stop, but after sometime, well, it all fall into place...

these days, i come to work, and then go home, and then watch some tv, online for a very short time, just to check emails, and then go to bed, and repeat all that... life is kinda bored, but stable...

like usual, i am working hard... been working too hard, have no life still... except i have found this new craze, i am crazy over korean and taiwanese drama... i even stayed up to 4 in the morning just watching taiwanese drama... well, yeah, it only takes me about 5 nites to finish a drama of 28 episodes...

the other thing i am crazy about is hana yori dango... yeah, started from boys over flowers (a korean drama, the leads are hot!) and then i started reading the manga online, and soon after, i was watching down with love (a taiwanese drama, lead actor is jerry yan, which is kinda hot too) and now i am watching meteor garden (a story based on hana yori dango)... well, 1st i thought jerry was hot, so i tried to search for the other shows that he starred in, which leads me to meteor garden, the show that took him to stardom, how can i miss that, and since it's related to the same story as boys over flowers, and hana yori dango, i thought i should never ever miss it - see how the things connect now... after watching the taiwanese and korean version, i must say that the korean version is way better... but it's unfair for me to draw such comparison since, the taiwanese version was like a decade old already... well, a lot happens in a decade... conclusion is hana yori dango is a good manga... almost 20 years from the date of 1st publication, and people are still watching... way to go kamio yoko!!! (i think that's the name of the creator)

other than that, i am been seriously considering retirement... 10 years of working hard has really taken me down... i realise that after working so hard for so long, it's like making me crazy, i guess this is the time for me to say enuff is enuff... only problem is, last week, another company head hunted me down for a job... and like usual, i am tempted to take up the new job, but it's a korean company, and i am not sure if i have the energy to be working for koreans, you know how they are, they work non-stop...

i was chatting with serena earlier today, and she has already submitted her resignation, which, makes me wanna submit mine too... ah i should wait for another month, as planned, but urghh...

when i 1st decided that i wanna quit my job, i was kinda worried about things, that i wouldn't be able to get along, you know, loans and expenses... and then there is another big factor, MOM!!! but last week, i told her about my intentions... she was amazingly very supportive, she even said, if you are not happy working, might as well quit, otherwise if you breakdown, it will be worst... i was not expecting that she said that... i was expecting that she will say that, why not look for alternatives 1st... looks like she notice the kind of bad condition i am in these days... so it's firm then, i am quitting my job, question is when, when do i finally have the courage to throw the letter? initially i was planning for june, so that i have a full 10 years, but now, i am hoping that i can do it next week... urghhh... my head hurts!

it's such a shameful act

some fanatics has decided to do some stupid stuff and bombed some churches... it's sad... but what do they know? the strength of the church is not in the building... the strength of the church is made up of people, joint together through Christ and in Christ! let's hope that these people will come to their senses and stop these stupid act!

an account on my 1st week at work

on monday, i arrived an hour early to report to work, not many people were in the office, so i spent my 1st day reading and trying to sort things out myself... had dinner with paul and pratheeban, which is like awesome... the guys, just made me laugh and laugh, and i laugh so hard, i think i cried... the good old days...

on tuesday, again, arriving an hour early, and the office has more people, and then, the action started, meetings and handovers, gosh, so much to absorb, but my puny brain isnt build for all these... and then they told me that i should report to site the following day... what about accomodation? where do i stay? man, this is no good... during the interview, they said that i can have the option of living alone or they provide, i said i prefer to stay on my own... about a month before i report to work, they told me that only if they fail to provide, then i can stay on my own, so i did not look for a place, and now they told me that they did not look for a place for me since i wanted to stay on my own... crazy...

on wednesday, drove to kamunting with hubby... they manage to find a place for me, and well, the place is crappy, ended up staying at this cheapskate hotel with hubby... thankfully we found a place, but the guy needed a week to clear the place for us... so i guess by next monday or tuesday i should be able to move into the house...

on thursday, meeting, discussion, reading, nothing nice...

friday, i am starting to blend in... the place is nice, quite and nice views... weather was good... rain and rain and rain...

by saturday i am already tired... drove back to klang after work... and now i am just resting and doing nothing...

to sum up, the new place isnt that bad, but the new company is kinda crappy... they don't give us internet access at all, only email... and then when i walk past the it guys, i saw them surfing like crazy and chatting like nobody's business, talk about control, grrr...

i ordered my dell, not too sure when i'll get it, and once i get it, i'll at least have a computer to update and chat and play some games... we'll see...

unemployed

being unemployed isnt that bad really... i gave back the handphone and computer to the office and drove home after that...

it started to rain as i was driving home... i guess i was no longer rushing, relaxed maybe, and the rain slowed me down, so i sang to the radio, and drive home slowly... seriously nothing on my mind, never knew that having no work stress can be feel so good...

i cant chat online as i have yet to buy a new laptop... so i tried to use the phone to go online, not the easiest thing to do... check a few emails, replied from fellow colleagues to my "farewell" mail earlier... most are good wishes and some really funny... nick said "you are free at last"... and bidyut said "i know i'll be tempted to call you..."

driving back from office brought back bitter sweet memories from the workplace... already i am missing all the fun times gossiping with faridah and roza... and faridah... she is such a wonderful person to work with... and she too said she missed me already...

the worst part about all these is that you leave behind the great people you have worked with... the company isnt the best in this world, but the teammates, has got to be one of the best... you don't get combination like this much tho'... people from all corners of the world, and yet blend together so nicely... miss all of you already!

went to bed at 9 last nite... nice nice nice...

this morning, wanted to call my mom and sister for breaky, then sis said she wants to send ian over, so it's babysitting for me... took ian swimming, kinda relaxing... a weekend of doing nothing...

now, i am using sis' comp to come online, still wondering if i wanna get a laptop or i should just stay away from computers...

maybe i should stay offline for good? let's see...