Day 38

They say things get easier with time, it doesn't.

Today I woke up and the first thing I felt was the pain in my heart and the emptiness inside. I didn't want to wake up not because I was feeling lazy, but because I don't want to face another day knowing that you are not here. I keep myself busy all the time, but every time I stop, I feel it, the pain and the emptiness. I felt like I lost my way, I don't know what to do and I am so alone. I have never worried about being alone because I know that I am never really alone, but now I am all alone.

I know we don't talk that much, most of our conversations usually sound like this:

Telephone Calls:

me: hello
you: hello, 大B, what do you want?
me: nothing la, have you eaten?

you: eat already

me: eat what?

you: ah teng take me go eat ...

me: like that can la, later weekend go fetch you eat breakfast

you: ok 

me: ok la bye bye

you: bye bye you have to be careful ok

When you were staying in my house and when I come home from work:

me: machi, I am home

you: today so early/late

me: today traffic clear/jam. Today want to go eat what?

you: chin chai la

me: like that we go eat ... 

you: now want to go out?

me: up to you la, if you want to see show, then your show finish 1st also can

you: want to go can go la, the show tomorrow also still repeat

We don't talk much other than about food or holidays. We make plans about where to eat when Ariel comes back or someone's birthday. I sometimes tell you a bit about the stress I have in the office, but not often since I didn't want you to worry. Last time you always wanted us to have a career so that we can be independent. But recent years, you have seen that I am struggling with my work, and you have encourage me to leave my job and do things that I like. You have never liked the idea of us going abroad, but this year when I tell you that I wanted to move to NZ, you said, if you want to go, you should go. 

My plans always have you in it. I have planned to buy a piece of land and build some tiny houses, and I thought I have to stay in a single storey house soon since you were getting old and soon you won't be able to climb the stairs. So I planned to buy a piece of land, and build self-contained tiny houses for us, no need to be big just need to be comfortable. And then when I wanted to move to NZ, the plan has you in it too. I never once imagined my life without you, not once. I have never told you all these because I always thought it was silly to have these dreams, I am not young anymore, I cannot afford the things I dream about.

Every time I want to go for a vacation, I will tell you about it, because like you, I am excited and I need to tell someone. I have signed up for a Vietnam trip next month, and I want to tell you that. I told you about my China trip for next year and I asked you if you wanted to follow. You laughed because you knew you are unable to go anymore. I told you that I will take you to Taiwan again, to complete the tour of the whole island, but I didn't keep that promise. I was suppose to take you in March, but that time there was a sale for NZ tickets, and then I wanted to take you to visit Ariel, but you didn't want to go. I shouldn't have gone too, I should've stick to my plans of taking you to Taiwan. You said it is OK, but I know you are disappointed. You told your sisters that I wanted to take you again, you were happy when I said I wanted to take you. But then I lied.