Day 41

Today I got my letter for the project completion bonus. I told you about this on October, when you were sleeping in your coffin in Teng's house. Initially they said will get on October 31st, but then now only they gave us the letter. I got quite a big fat bonus, and I think I got a lot more than others from my department. If you are here you will be so happy and you will say "Is it? So good, thanks to God" and then you might ask how much I wanna give you. Well, I think I will give you 1k. And then if I get year end bonus, I will surely give you another 1k for you to pack angpow. You will then during CNY go and tell all of your siblings that you "guo fei nian". Ever since I started working here, every year you also say you "guo fei nian".

I am happy for the bonus but at the same time, I don't really feel happy because I cannot share it with you. I told Boon, Ariel, Teng and Ian that once Ariel comes home, I will treat them eat good liau, I really wish you can come with us, it is going to be painful without you. I am still not sure if I can do it yet. The other day, we went for breakfast with Ah Chen and Siow Di, I also feel very uncomfortable, because we always gather together with you. I will not feel the same when meeting up with them, but I will continue to keep in touch with them because I know you will want it.

Sometimes I feel angry, sometimes I feel sad, most of the times I don't know what to feel. Machi, why is it so hard? I never had to do anything so hard in my whole life, why is this so hard?