Day 58

Ma, what are you doing? Maybe you are having tea with Ah Ma and Lodao. I have been working very hard, but often I wondered "what for?". End of this year, I will quit my job, I am tired. I will take a break. I know I told you about this before, and you said, not happy then don't work. But I continue to work anyway, because I was afraid that I cannot make ends meet... and I want to live a luxury life, I want you to have a good life, but that's not important anymore. You have the best life now, at Jesus' side, what else could you ask for? I am just being selfish as I want more of you.

Last Saturday was my graduation, did you see? I was hoping that you can go, but unfortunately you are not there. I am sure you saw me from Heaven, were you proud? Were you crying again? I remember when I graduated in 2000, your were crying tears of joy when I walked on the stage to take my scroll. You told me and I laughed at you. I am sure you were crying on Saturday too. I went to your grave to take photo, I know I am being silly, but going there help me to feel close to you. I know what is left there is only a decaying body, and you are having a party in Heaven, but being there makes me feel closer to you.

Guess what I bought you for Christmas this year? I named a binary star in lodao and your name. I hope you like it. I cannot buy you anything else, so this is the only thing I can do for you. I still don't know how to locate the star, the software won't work. Maybe the office network blocked it, later I will try with my own connection.

Day 52

Machi, I find myself having lesser and lesser things to look forward to in life. I am always down and have no directions. I miss you but I can't do anything about it. It is still very painful.

Teng dreamt of you again, and she said you cannot find lodao and ah ma in heaven. I believe that you have found them, because Jesus will show you the way. At times, I worried, I worried that you will be lonely, but I also know that Jesus is taking care of you, so I should not worry. And then I realise, when you were around, I always ignore you as well, we never had a lot to talk about. Never talk about anything really. I hide everything from you because I knew you will worry.

Do you know that I was never a happy person, I only appear to be happy. I have so many hatred in my heart, so much anger too. I am so angry at Siong for neglecting you. I am so angry at Boon for not letting Ariel come back, I told her to bring Ariel back so that you can see her. I am so angry at Teng for complaining that she has no money but the moment you left, she goes on a spending spree and also holiday spree. I don't know if I can ever forgive them, I know you will, but I really don't know if I can.

Dear Lord, please help me! I don't know what to do and I don't want to go on living like this. I might as well not live. Please show me what to do.

This saturday is my convocation. Will you watch me from heaven? I will look out for you, please give me a sign.

Day 46

Machi, you have left me alone for 46 days, Teng kept dreaming about you, but I didn't. I want to dream of you too, I want to see you and talk to you. I really miss you. Did you know that today the money from the incentive is inside the bank. If you were here, I would be happy, and you will be too. But there is no money in the world which can bring you back. So what use is it? All I can think of is wanting to have you back.

I think I am going to be sick missing you...

Day 41

Today I got my letter for the project completion bonus. I told you about this on October, when you were sleeping in your coffin in Teng's house. Initially they said will get on October 31st, but then now only they gave us the letter. I got quite a big fat bonus, and I think I got a lot more than others from my department. If you are here you will be so happy and you will say "Is it? So good, thanks to God" and then you might ask how much I wanna give you. Well, I think I will give you 1k. And then if I get year end bonus, I will surely give you another 1k for you to pack angpow. You will then during CNY go and tell all of your siblings that you "guo fei nian". Ever since I started working here, every year you also say you "guo fei nian".

I am happy for the bonus but at the same time, I don't really feel happy because I cannot share it with you. I told Boon, Ariel, Teng and Ian that once Ariel comes home, I will treat them eat good liau, I really wish you can come with us, it is going to be painful without you. I am still not sure if I can do it yet. The other day, we went for breakfast with Ah Chen and Siow Di, I also feel very uncomfortable, because we always gather together with you. I will not feel the same when meeting up with them, but I will continue to keep in touch with them because I know you will want it.

Sometimes I feel angry, sometimes I feel sad, most of the times I don't know what to feel. Machi, why is it so hard? I never had to do anything so hard in my whole life, why is this so hard?

Day 38

They say things get easier with time, it doesn't.

Today I woke up and the first thing I felt was the pain in my heart and the emptiness inside. I didn't want to wake up not because I was feeling lazy, but because I don't want to face another day knowing that you are not here. I keep myself busy all the time, but every time I stop, I feel it, the pain and the emptiness. I felt like I lost my way, I don't know what to do and I am so alone. I have never worried about being alone because I know that I am never really alone, but now I am all alone.

I know we don't talk that much, most of our conversations usually sound like this:

Telephone Calls:

me: hello
you: hello, 大B, what do you want?
me: nothing la, have you eaten?

you: eat already

me: eat what?

you: ah teng take me go eat ...

me: like that can la, later weekend go fetch you eat breakfast

you: ok 

me: ok la bye bye

you: bye bye you have to be careful ok

When you were staying in my house and when I come home from work:

me: machi, I am home

you: today so early/late

me: today traffic clear/jam. Today want to go eat what?

you: chin chai la

me: like that we go eat ... 

you: now want to go out?

me: up to you la, if you want to see show, then your show finish 1st also can

you: want to go can go la, the show tomorrow also still repeat

We don't talk much other than about food or holidays. We make plans about where to eat when Ariel comes back or someone's birthday. I sometimes tell you a bit about the stress I have in the office, but not often since I didn't want you to worry. Last time you always wanted us to have a career so that we can be independent. But recent years, you have seen that I am struggling with my work, and you have encourage me to leave my job and do things that I like. You have never liked the idea of us going abroad, but this year when I tell you that I wanted to move to NZ, you said, if you want to go, you should go. 

My plans always have you in it. I have planned to buy a piece of land and build some tiny houses, and I thought I have to stay in a single storey house soon since you were getting old and soon you won't be able to climb the stairs. So I planned to buy a piece of land, and build self-contained tiny houses for us, no need to be big just need to be comfortable. And then when I wanted to move to NZ, the plan has you in it too. I never once imagined my life without you, not once. I have never told you all these because I always thought it was silly to have these dreams, I am not young anymore, I cannot afford the things I dream about.

Every time I want to go for a vacation, I will tell you about it, because like you, I am excited and I need to tell someone. I have signed up for a Vietnam trip next month, and I want to tell you that. I told you about my China trip for next year and I asked you if you wanted to follow. You laughed because you knew you are unable to go anymore. I told you that I will take you to Taiwan again, to complete the tour of the whole island, but I didn't keep that promise. I was suppose to take you in March, but that time there was a sale for NZ tickets, and then I wanted to take you to visit Ariel, but you didn't want to go. I shouldn't have gone too, I should've stick to my plans of taking you to Taiwan. You said it is OK, but I know you are disappointed. You told your sisters that I wanted to take you again, you were happy when I said I wanted to take you. But then I lied. 

Day 33

I want to see your face again. I really do. It feels like nothing really matters, and it start to feel like there is no use to do anything anymore. Even though at first I thought I will do things to keep your memories alive, but yeah, that is what it is, memories... I still cannot get use to not having you. I don't think I ever will get use to it. 

Work is busy as ever, I am down as ever. I have no mood to do anything, I don't even have the interest to look around for holidays, no interest in life at all. The house I go back to is no longer home. So many things has changed, first Magui left, and then Ah Chi died, after that Ah Moo died, now I go upstairs, I look at the empty floor, and then I look at your room door. I open the door almost everyday, hoping to see you there, waiting for me to change your stoma bag. I somehow think that the more I open the door, you will magically appear.

How come Teng get to dream of you? How come you don't visit me in my dreams? Is it because you are angry with me? Is it because I told you not to come home if you cannot go to the toilet on your own? I didn't mean those things, I just thought I can encourage you to try harder since you would want to come back to Klang so that Siong will bring Wesley and Bradley to visit you. I didn't mean anything about not letting you come home at all. 

我不孝顺, 我不是一个好女儿，我让你担心得太多了，对不起.