Day 33

I want to see your face again. I really do. It feels like nothing really matters, and it start to feel like there is no use to do anything anymore. Even though at first I thought I will do things to keep your memories alive, but yeah, that is what it is, memories... I still cannot get use to not having you. I don't think I ever will get use to it. 

Work is busy as ever, I am down as ever. I have no mood to do anything, I don't even have the interest to look around for holidays, no interest in life at all. The house I go back to is no longer home. So many things has changed, first Magui left, and then Ah Chi died, after that Ah Moo died, now I go upstairs, I look at the empty floor, and then I look at your room door. I open the door almost everyday, hoping to see you there, waiting for me to change your stoma bag. I somehow think that the more I open the door, you will magically appear.

How come Teng get to dream of you? How come you don't visit me in my dreams? Is it because you are angry with me? Is it because I told you not to come home if you cannot go to the toilet on your own? I didn't mean those things, I just thought I can encourage you to try harder since you would want to come back to Klang so that Siong will bring Wesley and Bradley to visit you. I didn't mean anything about not letting you come home at all. 

我不孝顺, 我不是一个好女儿，我让你担心得太多了，对不起.