Day 31

Today I am not sad, I missed you but I was not as sad as yesterday. Desmond said it will be in phases, sometimes sad, sometimes not so sad. I still think of you the moment I opened by eyes, I know I won't get to see you, but maybe because of something Teng posted yesterday. She said she hasn't seen you for one month, but it also meant that it is already one month lesser until she see you again. Perhaps, today I felts that as time flies, the time between now and when I see you again is nearer.

The other day I told you that we will be getting a bonus for project completion, but nothing. Get cheated. I have put aside your monthly allowance, what do you want to do with it? Tell me ok, otherwise, I will help you to give Ariel, Wesley, Ian and Bradley angpow for their birthdays and christmas and chinese new year. The rest I will keep until when they need money to go to study in the future. I remember I said if Siong will not send Wesley to pursue his dreams, I will send. I will try my best to keep that promise. If you have other things you want me to do, tell me. I will be waiting and listening to your voice. Teng dreams of you many times, but I never get to dream of you. Come and visit me sometime, so that I can see you too and hold your hands again, even if it is a dream, it would suffice my longing to see you.

31 days is very long for not talking to you or to see you. When I was in Sabah, I come back every semester, but I will call you whenever I can, at least once a week. When I worked in Mersing, Yong Peng, Pontian, Taiping I don't come back that often but I still call you at least once a week. I have not stop talking to you, and I will not stop. Keeping this blog is a good idea to help me deal with missing you, I somehow feel that if it is written down, you will see it. You never knew how to read English, but I think you understood every word that is written here, I am sure Jesus will explain to you. I am sure you are happy now, with Jesus by your side, you don't need tongkat Hern to help you move around anymore. Don't forget me, please. Please remember to wait for me. I want to see you again and call you Machi. Are you still bickering with Lodao? Tell him I am sorry and that I love him too. I love you Ma! 

Day 30

30 days and I drown myself with work, and played as much game as possible, but I can't really concentrate. I still think about you constantly. I want to talk to you, I want to eat with you, and I want to be annoyed by you.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the past, trying my best to remember every moment. Do you remember the time when we were stuck at the dentist because we went to the toilet after the treatment. We were the last patients and then we went to the toilet, and they closed up and went home because they didn't know we were still there. We called a few people to find them and then they came back and opened the door for us, you were worried that time because you needed to go home to cook for us all.

I remember the time when I was so sick, high fever I think. I don't how old I was back then but I was still young, and we were still staying with Ah Ma, in the house behind high school. You gave me hor lin teh, and I drank and I said it is very nice, but actually it was very bitter but because I was sick I couldn't taste properly. The next day you gave me again, and I happily gulped it, but then that time I was already feeling better, and I tasted the bitterness.

And there was the time when I swallowed a fish bone, and you asked lodao to carry me to the clinic to have it remove. How about the time when we walked from the shop house to visit Ah Ma and I dropped into the drain? Do you remember? And the time when you told me to eat the rice and I was trying to finish all of it, but actually it is a lot, and then you said, if cannot eat don't eat, and then I said, you also never said it earlier, so I was trying to eat all of those rice. There are a lot of memories and there could be more, but now there will not be any new memories with you in it.

This photo was taken when we went to Cameron Highlands during my 3 months unpaid leave, you enjoyed yourself that time, I did too, but my car had problems, and we were supposed to detour to go to lumut so that you can buy some seafood products, but we rushed to come back to Klang because I was worried that the car will breakdown. And then we said we will go next time, but we never got to go. And there is one promise I made but I never kept and I will never be able to make it up to you, will you please forgive me? If you come back, I promise we will go, I promise...

Day 26

It has been 26 days since I last saw you. These 26 days has been very hard. I still cannot talk about you without tearing up. 妈妈, 我想你. I don't how to write these words, so I googled them.

There are a lot of things I want to tell you, but when I am typing out the words, I can't seemed to find them. The alarm just went off indicating that it is time to call you. Do you remember I will try to call you to talk to you using video call. Sometimes, I cannot hear what you say mostly because you were tired and is unable to talk loudly and clearly. But I remember not too long ago, at the end of one of the phone call, you suddenly laughed and I asked you why, you said you are happy because you saw me. I was also very happy that day.

I heard a song the other day, maybe Jesus wants me to know that you are happy in heaven. This song is written by a lady who lost her husband, the song said that when she saw his face, she knows that he is in a better place. The song also said that her husband is a man who doesn't like to leave his house but when he saw heaven and the love that is coming from heaven, how can he stay here. The song reminded me of you too, you didn't like to go away from the house too much, and you wanted to go home so badly when you were in the hospital. I thought you were not ready to leave us, and I thought you would at least wait until Ariel comes home in November. Even Boon thought so too, but perhaps on that day you were is so much pain and Jesus came to show you the love in heaven, so how could you stay? Everyone who saw you when you fell asleep in the Lord said that you looked very peaceful, Alyssa even said you are smiling, and yes I see it too, a smile.

I know I am very selfish and I wanted you for a little longer, I am sorry but it is very hard for me. I pretend that I am strong and I will be ok, but ma, I am not ok. I have kept you phone line on, and your room the way it is. I am still hoping that you would come back. At least come visit sometime. 

My Life after Mom

Today is October 19th, 2017 - 19 days after mom left.

I miss you so much. I am grieving but I am unable to express, because every time I say something, people keep telling me that you won't want to see me sad, I know all that, but I also miss you. So, I guess I will just write my thought down, as I felt that I am going crazy with all these feelings inside.

I keep doing things hoping that I can remember you for a little longer and I am so afraid that one day I will forget. I don't want to forget, I want to remember even if it means it will continue to hurt. I kept your room the way it was, I am hoping that one day you will come back.

I think I will keep this blog to write down what I feel and to tell you things that I usually tell you. We don't talk that much, we are never chit-chatty... mostly we talked about food and the family. I am sorry, I told you I will not keep in touch with the family after you are gone, I lied. I didn't mean it, I hope you know.