My Life after Mom

Today is October 19th, 2017 - 19 days after mom left.

I miss you so much. I am grieving but I am unable to express, because every time I say something, people keep telling me that you won't want to see me sad, I know all that, but I also miss you. So, I guess I will just write my thought down, as I felt that I am going crazy with all these feelings inside.

I keep doing things hoping that I can remember you for a little longer and I am so afraid that one day I will forget. I don't want to forget, I want to remember even if it means it will continue to hurt. I kept your room the way it was, I am hoping that one day you will come back.

I think I will keep this blog to write down what I feel and to tell you things that I usually tell you. We don't talk that much, we are never chit-chatty... mostly we talked about food and the family. I am sorry, I told you I will not keep in touch with the family after you are gone, I lied. I didn't mean it, I hope you know.

5 YEARS HAS GONE BY

i know not why i am here, it's been 5 years, and well, i was away doing my stuff, living my life, and still working too hard... never got around to resigning, been working is the same company for the last five years, who would have guessed, eh? i do not think anyone else ever visit this page, but well, maybe the next time i visit this place, i will think about when i wrote this blog, it could be another 5 years from now...

what happened to me?

i wonder if you notice, i have been offline for ages... and when i say offline, i meant offline... i hardly come online anymore, not blogging, not chatting, and not even gaming...

i must say that all these was a little hard for me when i decided to stop, but after sometime, well, it all fall into place...

these days, i come to work, and then go home, and then watch some tv, online for a very short time, just to check emails, and then go to bed, and repeat all that... life is kinda bored, but stable...

like usual, i am working hard... been working too hard, have no life still... except i have found this new craze, i am crazy over korean and taiwanese drama... i even stayed up to 4 in the morning just watching taiwanese drama... well, yeah, it only takes me about 5 nites to finish a drama of 28 episodes...

the other thing i am crazy about is hana yori dango... yeah, started from boys over flowers (a korean drama, the leads are hot!) and then i started reading the manga online, and soon after, i was watching down with love (a taiwanese drama, lead actor is jerry yan, which is kinda hot too) and now i am watching meteor garden (a story based on hana yori dango)... well, 1st i thought jerry was hot, so i tried to search for the other shows that he starred in, which leads me to meteor garden, the show that took him to stardom, how can i miss that, and since it's related to the same story as boys over flowers, and hana yori dango, i thought i should never ever miss it - see how the things connect now... after watching the taiwanese and korean version, i must say that the korean version is way better... but it's unfair for me to draw such comparison since, the taiwanese version was like a decade old already... well, a lot happens in a decade... conclusion is hana yori dango is a good manga... almost 20 years from the date of 1st publication, and people are still watching... way to go kamio yoko!!! (i think that's the name of the creator)

other than that, i am been seriously considering retirement... 10 years of working hard has really taken me down... i realise that after working so hard for so long, it's like making me crazy, i guess this is the time for me to say enuff is enuff... only problem is, last week, another company head hunted me down for a job... and like usual, i am tempted to take up the new job, but it's a korean company, and i am not sure if i have the energy to be working for koreans, you know how they are, they work non-stop...

i was chatting with serena earlier today, and she has already submitted her resignation, which, makes me wanna submit mine too... ah i should wait for another month, as planned, but urghh...

when i 1st decided that i wanna quit my job, i was kinda worried about things, that i wouldn't be able to get along, you know, loans and expenses... and then there is another big factor, MOM!!! but last week, i told her about my intentions... she was amazingly very supportive, she even said, if you are not happy working, might as well quit, otherwise if you breakdown, it will be worst... i was not expecting that she said that... i was expecting that she will say that, why not look for alternatives 1st... looks like she notice the kind of bad condition i am in these days... so it's firm then, i am quitting my job, question is when, when do i finally have the courage to throw the letter? initially i was planning for june, so that i have a full 10 years, but now, i am hoping that i can do it next week... urghhh... my head hurts!

it's such a shameful act

some fanatics has decided to do some stupid stuff and bombed some churches... it's sad... but what do they know? the strength of the church is not in the building... the strength of the church is made up of people, joint together through Christ and in Christ! let's hope that these people will come to their senses and stop these stupid act!

an account on my 1st week at work

on monday, i arrived an hour early to report to work, not many people were in the office, so i spent my 1st day reading and trying to sort things out myself... had dinner with paul and pratheeban, which is like awesome... the guys, just made me laugh and laugh, and i laugh so hard, i think i cried... the good old days...

on tuesday, again, arriving an hour early, and the office has more people, and then, the action started, meetings and handovers, gosh, so much to absorb, but my puny brain isnt build for all these... and then they told me that i should report to site the following day... what about accomodation? where do i stay? man, this is no good... during the interview, they said that i can have the option of living alone or they provide, i said i prefer to stay on my own... about a month before i report to work, they told me that only if they fail to provide, then i can stay on my own, so i did not look for a place, and now they told me that they did not look for a place for me since i wanted to stay on my own... crazy...

on wednesday, drove to kamunting with hubby... they manage to find a place for me, and well, the place is crappy, ended up staying at this cheapskate hotel with hubby... thankfully we found a place, but the guy needed a week to clear the place for us... so i guess by next monday or tuesday i should be able to move into the house...

on thursday, meeting, discussion, reading, nothing nice...

friday, i am starting to blend in... the place is nice, quite and nice views... weather was good... rain and rain and rain...

by saturday i am already tired... drove back to klang after work... and now i am just resting and doing nothing...

to sum up, the new place isnt that bad, but the new company is kinda crappy... they don't give us internet access at all, only email... and then when i walk past the it guys, i saw them surfing like crazy and chatting like nobody's business, talk about control, grrr...

i ordered my dell, not too sure when i'll get it, and once i get it, i'll at least have a computer to update and chat and play some games... we'll see...