on the way to india...

Sitting in the plane on the way to India… oh I don’t understand why I dislike to go to this place so much…

Watched Marley & Me just now, it’s a really good show, watch it if you have a chance, I know I’d watch it again… I don’t know if I liked the dog better or Owen Wilson better… there is something about Owen Wilson… I mean he is not the best looking actor around, but there is something about him… He is so cute… and sweet, or was it the character that he plays?

Anyway, when he got Marley, and the 1st nite they spent together, it sort of takes me back to the 1st nite I had Tiger… Tiger was crying the whole nite, poor thing, he must’ve missed his mummy, and he won’t let me sleep either… he will nibble on my finger, try to find his way up to my bed, nibble my ears… sleep on my hair… oh, those sleepless nites… but I would not trade it for anything in the world… I remembered the 1st time I laid my eyes on him… those sad puppy’s eyes… scared and all… only a few weeks old I supposed… I was in my room like usual, and Ian knocked on my door, and said, can you please come down? Uncle Andrew is looking for you… I was like? Why would Andrew look for me… I went down anyway, and Andrew told me that his friend just gave him a puppy, and the center cannot take care of that little guy because he is still too young, and the big boys in the center just don’t have the means to take care of a little pup… I hesitated… but those eyes… I cannot help but take him into my arms… and Andrew just ran away… he said, just try to take care of it, once he gets bigger and more independent, you can always give it back… I wasn’t prepared to take another pup… I was still so heartbroken from the lost of Coffee…

Coffee died earlier that year, 1st Jan 2008… I remember that dreadful day, I cried and cried and cried, but there is nothing I can do to bring him back… I hated myself for not staying up with him in the nite, I had to go to sleep… in the morning, when my mom knocked at the door, I knew in advance what the news was all about… oh my darling Coffee, you will forever be missed… even as I am typing this, I missed you, and I really hope to see you again… but I don’t know, do dogs really go to heaven? I really wanted to believe that because I really want to hold you again… there are so many things I wanted to do with you… like going to the beach again… remembered when you were younger, and we were still in Mersing, took you to the beach, and you had so much fun running about… and drinking all those salty sea water, and what happened to you after that? You fell sick… and that time where you almost died, when that truck couldn’t brake on time? You were one lucky dog weren’t you? I don’t know how you survived that… but I am happy that you did…

I had many dogs in my life, each special in their own way… each having a special place in my heart, each left me crying over and over… even until today, the thoughts of all of you make me happy and sad all at the same time… the 1st dog I had was brought home by my father, I was 6 back then… one smart puppy, he died when I was 11… I cried and cried and cried… and then I never wanted to bond with another dog, I was afraid that I would be heartbroken again… and then when I was 16, I had Lady… the most beautiful and elegant dog I ever had… she had class… and if you think all bitches are the same, think again… she won’t just let any dog do her… she’s got taste and I remembered that huge black Doberman who used to come during the mating season… oh, Lady would tease him like anything… and he would be so restless… Lady died a heartbroken dog… oh, I would never forgive that woman who did that to her… and then after that I had Coffee… Coffee was the 1st dog I had after I met my husband, Coffee will always have that special place in my heart… and of course, not forgetting Ginger, the most loyal, tough, fierce, and gentle all put together… I gave Ginger to a neighbour, I had no choice, he kept fighting with Coffee, but Ginger came back… after the neigbour shifted away, he came back… from where I don’t know… but he came back to me… he must’ve travelled some distance… I am so sorry what I put you through… and those other dogs I had when I was in Mersing, those were madness… muffin, coco, candy… ahhh… those were the happy days…

Now I only have Tiger, and Tiger is my baby… he has grown so much, but he always forgets that he is too big for my lap… he will still climb on my lap, he must have missed those days where he was only palm sized… and I would spend hours playing with him… I missed those days too… how he would bite my hands… leaving long scars… but Tiger dear Tiger, you will always be my baby… and if I have a child in the future, you will be the big brother… I hope you will not leave me too soon, I really want to have you for many many more years to come… I don’t know if my heart can take anymore heartaches…

india

as much as i dreaded it, i cannot escape from it... my fears, my weaknesses, are all going to be tested all at the same time...

i am going to india again tomorrow evening, this time for another 10 days or so... to my relieve i am not staying at only one place, i need to move from place to place, and i hope that time will be easier to past and i don't have to spend time dwelling on the unthinkable...

tomorrow is easter, the day where the Lord conquered the grave that we might have life... it's a day of joy, a day where the devil is defeated, a day where victory is on our side... because of this day, 2000 years ago, victory is always on our side... the devil is always whispering to our ears, to defeat us, and most of the times, our weak body gives in to the devil, because it is so much easier to fall prey, than to fight back... but God is faithful, He cares, He reminds me that He has not forsaken me, and that whatever trouble I am facing right now, He knows, and He is allowing it to happen to mould me, to make me stronger, to make me wiser... but i really have no more energy to fight, no more energy to go on... i feel so defeated, so hopeless, so weak... and i am reminded that i do not need to have energy, for i should walk by faith, not by sight, for the Lord God is on my side, who can be against me? the Father has promised that no weapons formed against me shall prosper, so why should i feel the way i am feeling? why should i worry for tomorrow?

life is fragile

i am often reminded of this statement by a friend... he is haunted by the loosing of a dear friend... i finally understood what that statement meant...

life is indeed short and fragile, you will never know when someone you love will decide to leave you...

to a brother, a friend, you will be deeply missed... i am so sorry i did not go to the wake, i do not know how to react... often we said, for someone so sick, it's for the better that you don't have to suffer anymore, but how many people actually know, how deeply saddened we will be? and to learn that you went alone is unbearable... no one to be by your side at the last moments? how much more depressing can it be? for 15 years you suffered, for 15 years you fought, maybe it's time that you rest, rest in peace my brother...

a sunflower garden

as i was leaving from the site to raipur's airport, i passed by a sunflower garden... it was the beautiful, given the fact that i love sunflowers... the flowers were blooming, and it reminded me how wonderful life is...

today i was in church, and i realised how wonderful my life is too... as i was about to give up hope, as i was in the deepest, darkest valley, God reminded me again and again that my life is good, and i can use it for many good stuff, and yet i choose to go the wrong way, i choose to waste my life and i choose to be miserable...

i was determined to save my relationship, but i am shut off. i was determined to do a better job, but instead, i was faced with more and more challenges... i am beaten, drained, and bitter... and for all this, what did i learnt? well, i learnt that life is tough, and we often make wrong decisions, wrong choices but there is one thing that never fail to exists... God...

God, Lord Almighty, look into my heart, take away the pain, take away the bitterness, please help me, i know i cannot help myself, but i know you can and will help me. please help me through this phase of my life, i no longer have the energy to fight and i no longer want to fight. help me. Amen!

new job, new assignment, new location

the indonesian project is no longer my project. at the end of last year, my boss told me that i should be involved in the new upcoming indian project. that i should be relocated to jamshedpur, india... well, i made my 1st visit to jamshedpur last week and i must say that i was a little worried, excited, etc about the visit...

my 1st impression of jamshedpur was ok... small town, less human, less traffic... i guess i am not made for big cities anyway...