worst weekend in a long time

most of you already know, i play games online... i spent too much time online, i hardly go out, i hardly open my mouth to speak, all i do is face the computer, whether at home or at work...

on friday, as i was waiting to go the project review meeting, hubby messaged me and told me that i was kicked out of a guild, in one of the games that i played, i was wondering, why? as i cannot access to the game while at work, i have to wait until i go home, and since that stupid meeting was postponed to later that evening, i can't go home...

when i was in that meeting, my heart and mind was not in it, i have no way of answering anything the managers said, and they then decided that i need to go to aceh to better evaluate the progress... which means, i am going to aceh again, aww... my evening has just turned from bad to worse...

anyway, the meeting was adjourned early, all thanks to me... coming out of the meeting i managed to speak to hubby again, and he told me all the stuff he knew that was happening to the guild, in the game...

i rushed home and the 1st thing i did was to login to the game and see for myself... the kick from the guild was done by someone we trusted, all just because he was not happy with one person. man! i was devastated, it suddenly dawned on me that this is no longer a game, the people that were in it is like family, all with a common interest, all devastated over an event, and event that can never be undone, and event that causes many to loose heart... i guess i was one of them...

some of you reading this may say that "you are indeed the silliest thing", but i tell you, i am not, i spent many hours and effort in that game, and the people i met are real people, and it hurts to see great players like them leave the game, all because some people are cannot think properly...

enough said, i am still recuperating from the event... still pissed...

suicidal

i think i am at the verge of committing suicide... ok... ok.. just kidding...

life has not been fair, i've had a hard life as a kid... growing up was not easy, i go to school with a bunch of brats, rich spoilt brats for that matter... i was the "unlucky" few who got subsidised textbooks... when i got into the class top ten, the rich and famous said "let me see you papers", not believing that someone not as rich as them can make it to the top ten...

working life was even harder, working in a male dominated industry, people looked at me with "coloured" vision... when i 1st started work, one guy told me "what are you doing here? you should go back to the kitchen" come on... what era is this? do you still think that the "weaker" gender belongs to the kitchen?

well, i struggled and sustained and made it quite far... although i hate to admit it, i am awfully tired of all the things that i am doing... sometimes i wake up early in the morning and think to myself, wouldn't it be nice if my place was really in the kitchen? wouldn't it be nice if i was less smart or less competitive... life would be simpler... i will go to bed thinking of what to cook the next day, instead of thinking how to get so much done in so little time... i would sleep better...

i'm sure many of you are going through what i'm going through now, any advise? how to overcome this? i'm really lost this time...

"ghost"

since man brought it up... i'll fill you readers in with a creepy story...

it was my final year in the uni... moved back to the campus, shared a room on the 23rd floor with a course mate, eleanor... she is a sabahan... and a pretty one indeed... ok, that's not the point...

the two of us got along quite well initially... so we walk to lectures together... and we studied together in the room... it wasn't long before we realise something was wrong with the room... we had "encounters"... there were too many of these "encounters"... and i was freaked out...

for a start, we both love to leave the music on when we study... i had speakers, she had headphones... when we study, we don't face each other, well, not our fault, the tables are facing the wall, so we studied facing the wall, and backing each other... one day, while we were studying, she was humming to some really nice songs, and i had cassettes on, and since she was humming to such nice songs, i thought i'll switch to the radio, because i know very well which station she listens to, radio 4, sorry, those days, the astro stations cannot be heard from sabah... so, i turn off the cassette and turn on to radio 4, i was surprised, it was heavy metal on the station, and trust me, it was not normal for radio 4 to have such songs... so i turned it off, thinking that maybe just maybe she had some other station on... as i was too lazy to turn on the cassette again, i continue reading while the radio was off, and before long, the radio turned itself on again... i was in shock, so, i turned it off, took my book and went to bed instead... and there goes my day... later in the evening, out of curiosity, i asked her which station she was listening to, and she calmly told me "today only radio 4, the songs are great"...

and then there was this other time, we both were studying, and suddenly, there was some sound at the door, and we were sure someone was trying to get it, we looked and it stopped... we starred at each other, didn't say a word, and look back into our books...

and another time, also while we were studying, we heard a knock on the door, and i happily exclaimed "come in" no one was there, so i got up and went to the door, and she shouted, "don't open the door"... i looked at her, and she looked pale, really pale... she said, i have just invite IT into the room, and i was like??? and she started telling me her part of the story... it seemed in the nite, the "thing" has actually told her to open the door... scarry, right... anyway, i am not sure how many more encounters we had, but definitely not a good experience...

eleanor was freaked, and then she moved away, there isn't any other room for me, so i stayed back in that creepy room... and then, after she left, things were a little better... although i'm still freaked, i was getting use to IT's presence...

and then, one day, iris' and man's room had trouble, the fan wasn't working, and since i have a spare bed, man can to sleep in my room, and she survived one night... and the next night, she chose to sleep in her hot and stuffy room...

so, man, if you are reading this, and you want to put your comments about my room and the "thing" feel free to do so...

i was just thinking, maybe i imagined the whole thing up... it was final year, remember? i must be so stressed up trying to get my grades up...

an account on aceh

well, like i said earlier, don't expect too much from this place... i am still lost for words...

today is my last day here in aceh, tomorrow, 1st thing in the morning i'll leave for medan... now, my heart is already back home... but unfortunately, i have to wait 5 hours in medan before i can fly back to kl...

in short, this trip has been tiring, this has been the longest trip i had to aceh... previously, i had other feelings for the people and the place... i felt sorry for them, they have been through so much, so why complain? but this time, me feelings changed totally... a couple of months ago, it seemed some guy was killed... supposedly, this guy is part of some NGOs to aid the reconstruction of this town... i was surprised... is this how you treat people who come to help you? but i wasn't quick to judge, i just listened to their stories...

and then, when i arrived at site, more stories flooded my head, the local are threatening our contractors, in short these people wanted money... money that they don't deserve... many people have came to help them, and i bet you the town is in a better state than it was before the tsunami, not sure, my opinion... these people who came to help has brought development to the people here, and perhaps, the people here saw that money was good, and greed overcame them, and they want more... don't this people ever learn? if they continue to press, it's just going to take the development away, and this place will be like this for the rest of the time...

met paul for dinner during the weekend, he seemed to have a different opinion about aceh... he seems to think that it wasn't as bad as i thought, but of course, he knows better since his been working here for sometime... and i was merely a visitor...

i didn't really roam the place, i only commute between the hotel and site... my observation, well, i guess malaysia was like that when i was 3... roads are dual carriage way without proper road markings... cows roam the land too... and goats as well... there are still a lot of space for development, if and only if, the mentality of the people here change...

as for work, i am tired, stressed, and well, sick of the work here... some of you may already heard my complains, i am not writing my complains here, i just wanted to forget my bad experience here, so no writing...

August 16, 2007

Here I am sitting in the Medan airport waiting for my flight to Aceh… many thing filled my mind… we’ll start from the beginning…

Refuse to wake up when the alarm went off, when I finally forced myself up, mom was already on her way to wake me for the second time… and she told me the taxi man is already waiting, so what else, I rushed to get ready, and hopped into the taxi…

Reaching KLIA, I can’t help but noticed that the airport if filled with flowers, it must be the floral fest again… and the flowers really cheered me… after checking in, I went for my coffee at the usual place and had a bun, man was I hungry?

In the plane, I sat next to this couple… very intimate couple indeed… they were like hugging all the way, never mind, I slept all the way, well, almost all the way…

Reaching Medan, Zainal was waiting… I got my passport stamped, and went to wait for my luggage, remind me not to bring good bags to Indonesia… this is the 2nd time my luggage was damaged in Indonesia… I didn’t bother to complain, it would be a waste of time, so, live with it and when I get home, I have to buy new baggage…

Lately, I have not been happy, with many things, with work, home, people, I was too sensitive with people’s remark… and the yesterday I told Cube about it, she introduced me to the term “separation anxiety”… boy, this is new to me… and she said must be because I missed hubby too much… and I said, ya, but I wasn’t like thinking about him all the time, and she said, it’s not the mind, it’s the body… and she also said, “the mind is logical, the body is emotional” and I was thinking about what she said…

The mind is logical? Not sure, mine was never logical… I am simply this silly gurl who doesn’t waste time thinking… I know, this may sound bizarre to some people, I am a planner, or my profession is a planner, how can I not think? And some of you may think that I am the “organized” person… well, the truth is, I am not, so not… my life is a mess, and the projects are in an irrecoverable state… if I am that good a planner, then perhaps, things will be better…

The body is emotional? Err… not sure too, how is the body emotional? I thought emotions come from feelings… how is it then related to the body?

I am so down lately, everything just don’t seem right, and all this happened after my India trip, and I am starting to believe that I am demon-posessed… nah, just kidding… just that I’ve be reflecting a lot lately, and I looked back at my life, things that I’ve done… and I came to see that I’ve not done anything significant or spectacular… I’ve made bad decisions, hurt some people, and made some enemies along the way… and I guess the person I hurt the most is my dad… I never had the chance to apologize and now, what can I do? Nothing!

It dawned to me that, I may do well in school, not the best student, but always among the best… was in the best class since I can remember… no, don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to boast here… but I failed, big time in life…

Enuff of my soppy stories, I bet you are sound asleep by now… well, lets hope that I have interesting things to say about Acheh… this is not the first time I’m there, so don’t expect a lot… this is my fifth time there, and I am not expecting this trip to be different from the four I’ve had…