Day 114

Ma, it has been 2 weeks since I last written here for you. I am trying to live my life as usual, but I don't think it is possible. My life has changed, my perspectives changed too.

I will be going to Singapore on Friday, I told you about it, you were supposed to be staying over with Teng this weekend because I am going away and will be back only on Monday. Actually, I am not looking forward to this trip anymore. I feel so stressed out thinking about this trip.

After coming back from Singapore, we are going to Avani again. Not sure if the Tan brothers are coming, but Boon, Teng and me are going, for two nights. If you are here, you will be so excited and looking forward to this trip. We may go back to the place of the Chicken to eat. Last trip we didn't manage to eat the pig's hand, and we said we will go and eat again, but we never had the chance already. But it's ok, this time if we go, I will help you eat.

Did you see the 3 puppies near your grave? I named them, Peter Pan, Patch and Tramp, but Patch is missing already, I wonder if he made it, or maybe he went to puppy heaven...

I resigned, and my boss didn't want to sign the letter for HR to process, now they are trying to convince me to stay back, but I have made up my mind, I do not want to stay back. There is nothing for me here, and I don't think there is anything for me anywhere. I just want the days to pass quickly so that I can see you again soon. I am still hoping for a miracle, maybe waking up one day and realise that this is actually one bad dream. Will that day ever come?

Yesterday we went to Empire Subang for dinner, we bought the vouchers at 11Street and then we went there to eat. I remember one of the years, Teng treat us all to eat there, and you wanted the bubur cha cha or something and it was too sweet, so you only ate one spoonful. And then there was the time where you took the fruits back, do you remember?

Ma, be happy in heaven, and don't worry about me, I'll be ok, I'll be strong for you. Just remember to wait for me, and please don't forget me. See you soon!

Day 100

3 digits already ma. Today is the 100th day I lost you. Today, I was on Google Maps re-visiting the places in Taiwan. You were so happy, both the trips, even though the 2nd trip was too hot for you, but you were happy. I'd like to think that I made you happy. You always wanted to go back, I promised you another trip, but I broke the promise.

Ma, 100 days is a long and difficult time. How many more 100 days do I need to walk alone? There are so many things I want to show you, so many places I wanted to take you. Everytime I eat something nice, I always wanted to bring you, but now, I cannot. I can only talk to you here, hoping that you have learnt how to check on the internet and read.

Yesterday, Boon, Teng and the Tan Brothers went to see you together with me. We went to eat bakuteh near Klang Parade. Chen paid... he went to Taiwan last few weeks, and he came back with pikachu toy for me. We are going to Avani again. Remember when we came back in July, I told I want to take you there with Wesley and Bradley? Sorry it didn't happen. The boys were all too busy, and I was procrastinating to arrange because I was lazy to deal with Siong on the arrangements. But the original proposed date was one of the weekend in September, you were already sick that time. I wish I can turn back time, then I can tell you I love you. I never told you that before.

I would like to turn back time and make good on all the promises I made. I will not raise my voice at you when I am upset with other things, I will not let you see me cry.

Day 94

94 days have passed since you are gone. I miss you more than ever. With Christmas and New Year just over, I have not felt any festivities. Usually we will have lots of gathering and food, but this year nothing. Even Fei didn't organise any potluck.

We went to your side on Dec 23rd, we had pizza and Seow Di bought musang king. Were you there with us? I think you are, and we will go again for CNY reunion. Maybe I will but yee sang from sushi king. And then see what else to buy and go eat there. We will start a new tradition, ok? I know I am silly, but that is the only way I know how to be close to you.

I fell sick yesterday and I am still sick today. Tomorrow, I will go to do implants for my teeth. I mentioned to you before but I was afraid, I still am, but I'll take the risk. I tendered my resignation last Thursday, my boss not yet sign but I am determined to leave. I don't know what will happen after this, but I think it is not important anymore. What is important to me, is to make sure I walk each day knowing I will see you again soon.

Day 79

Ma, I came back from Vietnam already, worst trip ever... 1st of all, the hotels lose our luggage, then we have to squeeze in a van for 6 hours to go to the mountains, terrible, now I whole body still pain.

But you must have seen that and surely you will laugh at us... lucky you were not there, otherwise sure you cannot tahan. I bought some lotus seed for you, I will help you eat... hehehe...

Ariel going back to NZ on the 28th, you would have said, in 10 days, Ariel will fly back. You are so worried about her all the time, but she is all grown up now, no need to worry. Michael will go with her this time for almost 3 months...

I want to go away and hide, maybe just catch up on my sleep. I am tired really really tired... maybe I can go to see you? Please, can I go? I have nothing to look forward to, holidays are no more fun, nothing is worth looking forward to. I just want to see you again.

Day 67

Ma, this few weeks I am very busy, so far I have went to Singapore twice for meetings, and on the 2nd time I bought the salted egg fish skin and potato chips, it is very expensive. Credit card bill arrive today, 4 packets cost me RM 180.

I not yet tell you, on Sunday, Ian messaged your phone and said that they have arrived in JB and had lunch with Tua Ku. I also replied on your behalf and then he laughed. Did you know that Ah Hoong organised a celebration for Tua Ku's baptism, without Tua Ku... She very lebih. If you are here, sure you will laugh.

On Sunday, I will go to Vietnam for holidays with Ah Teng, Ian and put liau. You won't ask but I will always try to buy things for you whenever I go to holidays, and I wonder what I will buy for you this time.

A few weeks ago, I used my Astro points to redeem a "ang ku kueh" pillow, it's quite cute, I want to give to you, so now it's there on your chair.

I ordered some mugs for the kids and the Tan brothers online. The kids' mug already arrived, I bought it last month, so yesterday I told Teng, and she suggested that I buy for the Tan brothers as well, so I went and order yesterday night. I so stupid, didn't check properly then placed the order, see see one of the mugs I deleted on picture, so become defect. Luckily when I buy the vouchers, it was for 4 mugs, so now Seow Di get 2, since it was his which were defected. Wasted, but never mind, cheap cheap only.

The other day after my graduation I treat Teng and the Tan brothers to dinner. Ah Yeh really bodoh, when I asked them time, he never want to answer, then suddenly 2 days before the dinner, he messaged me and say "Saturday, I boleh go?". Last Sunday, Boon took Ariel to your place, Ah Yeh also got go, now he like happier and got talk and laugh, unlike last time, ask 10 times answer 1 time.

Before Christmas, we are planning a graveyard party... I wonder who will turn up... I'll post some photos here, remember to join us on that day ok? It will be December 23rd, at around 6 p.m.

I wonder what it's like where you are. I want to see you soon, and I think I will see you soon too... Til then, "mai luan luan chau"... bye bye